I am a hypocrite, every day I write blog posts, I try to remind my sisters around me, I try to defend people when others slander them like the Prophet (saw) used to, I try to protect my marriage from evil eye, fitnah and from destruction. Every day I try but I fail time & time again…
I just made the same mistake I have made 3 times in 6 months. I don’t think it’s wise to mention the thing but I am fericious when it comes to defending the laws of Islam and what is haram and halal yet when it comes to putting it into practice. I FAIL.
And my heart beats faster, my usual easy-going mood and natural smile is gone and I feel deflated and hurt. I hate myself for doing things I could never forgive anyone else for. I hate myself for knowing better, yet doing it anyway. I hate myself for fearing humans and not fearing Allah enough. I hate myself for being brutally honest when it comes to other people’s situations and circumstances and am the first one to say, such and such is a haram act but what do I do when no one is watching? I give in to the pressure. I do what is socially norm and for what?
A pulsing heartbeat, a fealing of regret and disgust in myself and all I can do is beg Allah and never give up on his mercy.
Ya Allah, Ya Allah, I love you so much. Without You to guide me I would be lost. Without Yo to forgive me, I would be doomed. Please protect all the beliieving women from fitnah and please make it easy for us to be strong Muslimah’s in this day and age. Ya Allah, please protect me from Hypocrisy and please ya Rubb accept my repentance for the mistakes I make over & over again…
Sometimes, I feel like I don’t deserve to be Muslim, I’m just a hypocrite who wears a scarf. But walaahi there is nothing I want more than to be Muslim, die as a Muslim, be fair to my friends and family, live peacefully and content and live in hope that one day, I will be better.
Today I have no beautiful quotes and I don’t want to insert an image. Today, I am miserable and need Allah to forgive me and make me better than what others think of me. I’m so sorry ya Rubb.
Astaghfirullah. May Allah forgive all the believing women and increase us in Imaan and Ilm.