At the beginning of my journey, I started to believe for the very first time that Islam is perfect and there is no God worthy of worship except Allah – quite literally & this was about 2/3 years ago.
At that time, I struggled to accept that I would become Muslim… what did that mean? That requires change… I don’t want to change.
I struggled with wearing hijab. Normally a very confident person and very much comfortable in my own skin (I could have been an advert for Dove) I started to feel insecure, alienated and socially shy. (I’ve always been socially shy and awkward) but this time it felt more so. I was even shy with my own friends/family for some time…
I struggled with prayer. I tried and I tried but I couldn’t do it. I felt so dumb and stupid and useless. How can I recite Arabic, that’s impossible?!
I struggled with fasting. My first fast I quite literally ate/drank from Maghrib ’till Fajr. I somehow pictured myself as a camel who can store the liquid/food so that I wouldn’t feel hungry/thirsty the next day. I was so scared of failing that I tried my best to drink/eat as much as I could lol. If you wanted to find me on my first Ramadan you would have saw me sat next to the water dispenser, watching the clock – literally. LOL.
I struggled with being naive. All of a sudden, everyone around me was so blessed with Islam. I felt like all Muslims were amazing people with so much knowledge and wisdom (where they just being humble and hiding it) as time went on I noticed the mannerisms, the speech, the actions were not a reflection of Islam at all but the opposite. I felt cheated, confused and found it hard to accept that people openly reject the Sunnah without any hesitation.
LOL Let’s fast forward three years… I have only been Muslim for two, however my journey overall is three. It’s as if all of my original struggles have become the opposite… my struggles have changed in so many ways… Let me begin…
I no longer struggle with hijab. Ever. Alhamdulillah after the first few months it became a part of me… It’s something I am proud of in every situation I proudly yet humbly wear my hijab knowing that Allah chose me to wear it feels like a massive honour and also my little protection from this world. Let’s be honest a piece of cotton on my head is hardly going to protect me from a crazy, lunatic who wants to attack me. It’s not going to protect me form other people’s views on me and it’s not going to enhance myself in the job market but Subhan’Allah Allah does. His wisdom blows my mind… my hijab DOES protect me. So many times I feel men lower their gaze, I feel people open up to me, people trust me, children watch me and Allah guides me. Alhamdulillah.
I truly love my hijab.
I don’t struggle with the prayer but I do struggle with learning new Surah’s. So instead of getting frustrated with my lack of ability to remember the prayer and recite properly, sometimes now I have recited Al Fatiha without thought, without pondering or realising what I am saying. Astaghfirullah. It’s something I can do in my sleep now and instead of concentrating on every letter, syllable and sound like before, I sometimes forget to pause, to relax and to connect.
May Allah make it easy for us to have kushoo in our prayer.
I don’t struggle to fast. After your first experience of fasting you completely change. I don’t stuff myself like anymore but I do still really look forward to Maghrib. I look forward to fasting and the feeling it brings and I especially love Ramadan – May Allah accept our fasts.
This one actually makes me sad… I am no longer naïve with my fellow Muslims, I tend to be more cautious and sceptic. The more knowledge I have, the more I notice people doing the wrong thing whether that be Bi’dah, haram, makrouh or all 3. I know that I’m far from perfect but I don’t follow people or culture and that’s my only secret. I take information from shaykh’s only and whether I live in China, New York, Thailand or Afghanistan, Islam will remain the same – only the people will differ.
I wish I was still as naïve as before and thought the very best of others and gave them 100% benefit of the doubt… after all, that is the Sunnah.
So now you can see the struggles in the beginning are completely different nowadays and I am sure that my struggles in the future will change once again.
Oh Allah! Place in my heart, Light. Place in my tongue, Light. Place in my hearing, Light. Place in my sight, Light. Place behind me, Light. Place before me, Light. Place above me, Light. Place under me, Light. Oh Allah grant me Light!